Waiting for a Superman

Right about the time Linc was born, we discovered this miraculous little thing called Pandora radio. It took about 3.5 seconds to become a permanent installation in our house, and so one day I was listening to Pandora while doing whatever around the house and heard a few words of a song that stopped me in my tracks. I didn’t catch all of the words, but what I heard stuck with me, kind of haunted me in a way:

“Is it getting heavy? Well, I thought it was already as heavy as can be… It’s just too heavy for Superman to lift.”

And here’s where I admit that on that day, I was wallowing. I was neck deep in poor-me-my-life-is-harder-than-yours mire. To tell the truth, I don’t even remember why. Maybe Linc was on yet another bout of antibiotics and thus going through another round of explode-a-butt. Maybe I was packing up for the Cardiologist. I don’t know, maybe I was just in one of those moods, but for whatever reason the words of that song lodged themselves in my chest and rumbled around there causing a wheezing fit of self pity to take root. Later that day, I found myself sitting in the bathroom sobbing into my hands thinking, no wonder this is hard, even Superman couldn’t lift this weight.

I forgot about the song and didn’t hear it for some time, but lo and behold one day months later, it came back on my Pandora station. This time, I rushed over to the computer and listened to every word. Here’s what I heard:

“I asked you a question
I didn't need you to reply
Is it getting heavy?
And then I realize

It's getting heavy
Well I thought it was already as heavy as can be
Is it overwhelming
To use a crane to crush a fly?

It's a good time for Superman
To lift the sun into the sky
Cause it's getting heavy
Hell I thought it was already as heavy as can be

Tell everybody
Waiting for Superman
That they should try to
Hold on the best they can

He hasn't dropped them, forgot them or anything
It's just too heavy for Superman to lift”


And yes I’ve looked it up and I know it’s a Flaming Lips song, but the version I heard, the version I know, is a gut-wrenching Iron and Wine remake. Such a terrible, beautiful song, hypnotic and surreal. As I listened the second time, though, I had a rebellious reaction. I thought, no, it isn’t too heavy for Superman. It just seems like it's going to be, like one of those fake dumbbells, bulbous and daunting to look at but really just made of styrofoam.

I still stop in my tracks every time the song comes on, but now the sadness I feel is not over having a burden too heavy for Superman; now it sadness that I ever, for even one moment, thought that my life was a burden. My life, my family, is a gift. A struggle, yes, at times. A learning experience definitely. But this little family is the best part of me, the best part of my existence, the thing I am most proud of and (honestly) most frustrated by both at the same time.

I’ve reclaimed the song, by the way. It has become a lullaby that Nico asks for almost every night. And every time I sing, “Is it overwhelming/ To use a crane to crush a fly”, I remind myself that I am not a fly and Lincoln’s diagnosis is not a crane. I guess you could say that I have adopted the song to remind me not of what I’m missing but what I have. It’s become a melody that I have an intimate relationship with; an ingrained and sort of guttural lurch kicks in every time I hear it. And though I recognize that no one else will likely have the same reaction, I know you might be curious, so here’s the song: